**Disclaimer**
Below is more of my ranting & questioning God. I know that I serve a loving, giving Father who only wants the best for me. But just like my (earthly) Daddy, I question God too. I get angry with Him & really let Him have it sometimes. I know that He understands & when I am done ranting, He gathers me in His arms & holds me while I weep. And in the quiet I hear "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you & not to harm you, to give you hope & a future." Jer 29:11
------------------------------------------------------
I have thought many times what to write for my next post & how to really express how I am feeling. If I am being completely honest with you all...I am pissed off. Why do things have to happen the way that they do? Why are some women not able to get pregnant & other women can but have abortions? Why did God allow me to get pregnant only to "take it away" from me? Why was it so easy to get pregnant with my first son, (after being told I would probably never have babies) & then take more than 2 yrs to have my 3rd only to lose the baby? Why does God allow the things He does? I have been doing so much questioning lately & I just don't understand!
What has made it worse, is that the same bff that came & held me just 4 weeks ago when I lost my baby is now the one being held as she loses hers. And I don't understand why! Why we both are having to wrestle with these emotions, why we are having to face this trial, why we are in this valley. I don't have the answer & I so wish I did. But I know that with God we may never know the reasons why things happen. It doesn't stop me from questioning though! Now grief is just compounded with more grief, as we wade through this valley.
What has made it worse, is that the same bff that came & held me just 4 weeks ago when I lost my baby is now the one being held as she loses hers. And I don't understand why! Why we both are having to wrestle with these emotions, why we are having to face this trial, why we are in this valley. I don't have the answer & I so wish I did. But I know that with God we may never know the reasons why things happen. It doesn't stop me from questioning though! Now grief is just compounded with more grief, as we wade through this valley.
I am really not looking for any answers here, just venting & ranting more. I know that Jesus knows my heart better than anyone, & He knows what is best for me. I am trusting that, I truly am, but I still wish I had more answers!
Please pray for her as she is having to have a DNC on Friday. She has really struggled with what the best thing to do is, but feels like this is the best course of action for her. And pray for me to have the strength to be strong for her! Thank you my friends!
Hi Cassandra,
ReplyDeleteI know you're only venting, and you're right...God knows the situation better than any of us does. I have been there, and I know exactly how you and your bff feels. It's hard to find any comfort from words, but I'll be praying for both of you!!
I just wish I could hug you. I wrote a prayer for mommies the other day on my blog. It speaks about all kinds of mommies and how hard it can be to be a mommy, especially to angels. Please know I am sending you the warmest hugs right now and tell your friend that we are holding her and lifting her up in prayer as well.
ReplyDeleteHi Cassandra. I just want you to know taht I am praying for you. I am glad you are able to vent and get things out. So many of us have had to walk in your shoes and your friend's. I will remember her in my prayers especially this Friday. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteKelly
{{both of you}}
ReplyDeletesending prayers for comfort, understanding, and peace for your hearts.
Hugs for you both. I really wish I had the answer, but I will keep you both in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh Cassandra, I've walked in those shoes 3 times and like you, ranted and raved knowing that He was holding me close and crying with me. I don't understand it either and I never will and I understand I am not meant to, only He does. It makes no sense to me. I've had
ReplyDelete2 emergency DNCs and one scheduled. It does finalize it. And you just put one foot in front of the other, day by day. Prayers to you both.
I have no answers, I am so sorry for your friend, and yourself, I cannot imagine loosing a baby.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs honey!!
ReplyDeleteIt's not wrong to question God - He can take it. No one has any answers either. Someday, some wonderful day in the future, the reasons will be made clear to you and you will know He had a grand master plan for you and your life. Right now, it just sucks and we all have to muddle through the valleys as best we can. I'm glad you shared this part of your life because I'm sure you "spoke" for a great many of women and they will have help in their healing because of you. You are a blessing!!
Cassandra -
ReplyDeleteI too have questioned God before. I questioned him so much as I lost a child back in 2004 and then also as we struggled with infertility. I have learned over the years that I shouldn't question him anymore, but know in "my heart" that things happen for a reason and even though we may not know why at that certain time in our lives...it will eventually be revealed to us and that is what helps me to answer my own questions. Keeping you and your friend in my prayers!!
XO~Hugs~XO
I understand completely how you feel and my heart is breaking for our mutual friend who is suffering too. I've asked those same questions many times. The thing that gives me a glimpse of peace about it is to know that our little angels are in Heaven (probably playing together :) ) and that one day I will hold the little one that has left that emptiness in my heart all this time.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I know and I'm sorry. We don't get to see what God sees and sometimes that's downright frustrating. It plain sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this pain. Please know that you are in my prayers...
ReplyDeleteI miscarried the month before I got pregnant with Jackson. I was on my 5th month of clomid with 1 to go. I had SO prayed to have another baby. I was beyond thrilled to be pregnant again. We told everyone right away. Days later I started bleeding. On my way to work. I drove home. Screaming at God. Angrier than I'd ever been. We wrestled that night and many more. I asked the same questions that you are asking. I knew NO ONE who had miscarried. I was so alone and everyone I knew was "accidentally" getting pregnant. It plain sucked.
Amazingly, I got pregnant the next month. I went through that pregnancy with so much doubt. Wondering if he would get taken back too.
A few months after I miscarried, my good friend, who had been trying for over a year, miscarried as well. She knew NO ONE who had miscarried, but me. We walked through her pain together. Her feelings were the same as my feelings. I remember thanking God that I could walk with her. I would not have been able to do that had I not gone through the same thing.
Years later, I still relive the day I found out I was pregnant. November 17th. And the day I started bleeding. November 20th. I was to be due July 27th...
I know this is long. I know you were just ranting. I just want you to know I'm praying. I've been there. As many have written, you are not alone. We're here and so is God. Carrying you through. His arms are the best...
Hugs to you...